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By June 21, 2024No Comments

I don’t know about you but I do have MUCHOS ( many ) secrets!  Don’t all of us have secrets? My secrets range from innocent ones to the ones that I keep buried in the deepest part of my heart.  Shhhhhh !!!!!

One of the signs of my mother‘s “aging” was when she started telling us the “family secrets”.   My sisters and I were flabbergasted about what she told us. We looked at each other in total and utter surprise.  “Do you think that really happened?”, we would ask each other in shock and disbelief.

My mother was known in the family for being discreet. She was compassionate and empathetic.  Family members were very fond of her and they knew their secrets were safe with her.  They did not know how she was going to behave at age 80+ when her brain filters disappeared.

The first time this happened we felt uncomfortable with these confessions. We were intruding in other people’s lives.  Secrets that have been part of the family for many years were revealed and it made us “part of that secret” by default.

The scientific explanation is that the brain has a thin layer that helps us to discern things like what is right or wrong. That part of my mother’s brain was going, going, gone for good!   She didn’t have any more filters.

Once we recovered from the first family secret, we started to be nosey and ask . . . . . SOOOOO ????  Mama, tell us more!!  LOL  🙂  You are saying that so and so is not the son of so and so?  Wow!  And you are saying that my aunt was the LOVER of who ?!!!! Interesting.  Very interesting.  My sisters and I started to put the dots together . . . . and laugh.  We found those secrets so amusing and now we know the relatives of that SECRET.

It freaks me out.  When I get to be very old, I am not going to spill the beans. My beans???  My secrets, even the not so bad ones . . . are   NOT good.

I confess that I have, at least mentally, and possibly in action, broken each of the Ten Commandments. Of course I’m exaggerating – I haven’t killed anyone! – but mentally I’ve choked someone.

“Mama, tell us more.”  We giggle just like we were as kids and my sweet mother, completely oblivious to what she is saying in her foggy stage of dementia, will keep telling us stories.

But this family’s SECRETS were a heavy weight in my heart.  As I was lying in bed in the darkest part of the night, the revelation of the secrets came to my mind and for some reason it did not make me feel good.  I felt compassion and sadness.  Tears would roll down my face.  All those secrets from people who had passed away would pass through my mind.  They had spent a lot of time, heartache and effort to keep them from the rest of the planet except for my mother.

When we are old, secrets are a heavyweight in our heart and in our soul. In talking with my therapist friends, they tell me secrets are very distressing for the brain at any stage. Imagine carrying them for a lifetime… anyone can relate to that burden.

So, what is the answer – not to have secrets?   That is almost impossible since secrets are unavoidable.  But I am referring more to the secrets that we “SECRETLY” have only for us.  Like, I’m secretly in love with my friend’s husband . . . ughs . . . or worse, I am in love with my friend’s teenage son . . .  UUUGGGHH . . .  those are secrets to keep to YOURSELF!

If somebody asks you, “Can you keep a secret?”   We immediately and often say, “Of course I CAN! Puff yea !! I can.”  But the truth of that matter is that we CAN’T.  We think we can but we can’t!!

When it comes to my secrets, obviously I am not going to reveal them to you.  Some are thoughts and some are deeds and if shared, I truly hope they will remain a secret forever deeply buried.

If you want share your secrets with me, please write to me at my personal email: .