WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!”  I IRRITABLY ASK MY FATHER IN MY DREAM. I CAN CLEARLY SEE THE OUTLINE OF HIS BODY.  HE HAD A VERY PARTICULAR POSTURE:  UPRIGHT, PROUD, STRONG.  AS HE COMES INTO MY LINE OF VISION, I SEE HIM IN HIS TYPICAL STARCHED KHAKI PANTS WHICH WERE ALWAYS A LITTLE TOO SHORT FOR HIM AND HIS CRISP WHITE BUTTON DOWN SHIRT. HE ALWAYS STOOD OUT FROM THE CROWD IN GUADALAJARA FOR HIS HEIGHT. HE WAS NOT SEVEN FEET OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT BUT IN MEXICO, HE WAS CONSIDERED VERY TALL. WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, HE WAS VERY ATHLETIC AND STAYED IN A GOOD SHAPE THROUGHOUT HIS SHORT LIFE. WHEN WE WERE KIDS, MY FATHER WOULD LIFT MY TWO SISTERS AND I ALL AT THE SAME TIME. WE WOULD GIGGLE ALL THE WAY UP THE RIDE TO HIS SHOULDERS. WE THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS AND WE FELT SO FAR FROM THE GROUND!

BUT IN MY DREAM, WHILE I SEE THE SILHOUETTE AND HIS CLOTHING CLEARLY, HIS FACE IS BLURRY KIND OF LIKE HE HAD A FILTER OVER HIS FACE. I ASK HIM IN AN ANNOYED AND DEMANDING WAY, “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” HE ANSWERS ME IN HIS USUAL PLAYFUL WAY, “I’M RIGHT HERE.”  HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE, SMILES AND HAS THAT MISCHIEVOUS LOOK IN HIS EYE. I CAN PICTURE HIS EXPRESSION SO CLEARLY.  IT IS NOT FAR AWAY FROM ME.

WHEN I WAKE UP, OF COURSE, HE IS NOT THERE BUT I CONTINUE TO CALL HIM, “PAPA, PAPA”. AS IF BY CALLING OUT LOUD FOR HIM WILL MAKE HIM PHYSICALLY MANIFEST ON THIS EARTH!

I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT IN MY DREAM WHEN HE SAID, “I’M HERE,” IT IS BECAUSE HE TRULY IS RIGHT NEXT TO ME, ALL THE TIME, NO MATTER HOW LONG HE HAS BEEN GONE … ABOUT 35 YEARS. I WONDER IF HE IS WITH MY MOTHER, THEIR SOULS FLOATING SOME PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE NOT FIGHTING BUT COMFORTED BY ONE ANOTHER. I WONDER IF WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR ME, WILL THEY BE THERE TO WELCOME MY SOUL?  MAYBE MY FATHER WILL ASK ME, “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN”!!  I WILL ANSWER THEM BOTH, “YA LLEGUE! I AM HERE!”

DREAMS ARE FASCINATING.  THEY CAN FEEL SO TANGIBLE AND REAL. YOU CAN GO THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER THAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE AWAKE – ONLY TO REALIZE YOU ARE JUST DREAMING.

LATELY I HAVE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT MY FATHER. WHY AM I SO NOSTALGIC FOR HIM? HE HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO MANY YEARS NOW AND YET HE IS SO PRESENT IN MY MEMORIES. I AM GRATEFUL THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN BLURRED AWAY BY TIME. AT LEAST NOT YET.

MY PARTNER’S BUILD HAS A STRANGE SIMILARITY TO MY FATHER’S BUILD.  IT IS HARD TO PINPOINT HOW THEY ARE SIMILAR. HOW HE REMINDS ME OF MY DAD. IT IS ALMOST ABSTRACT, JUST AN ESSENCE, BUT ENOUGH THAT I KNOW THEY ARE SIMILAR. HOW COULD TWO MEN THAT COME FROM POLAR OPPOSITE BACKGROUNDS HAVE THIS QUALITY OF SEMBLANCE?

AS A LITTLE GIRL I WOULD PUT ON MY FATHER’S BEDROOM SLIPPERS TO WALK AROUND THE HOUSE. WE WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO WALK BAREFOOT! HIS SLIPPERS WERE GIGANTIC FOR MY LITTLE CHILD FEET. THEY WOULD SLIDE ALL THE WAY TO THE END LEAVING HALF OF THE SLIPPERS EMPTY!  I FIND MYSELF DOING THE SAME WITH MY PARTNER’S SLIPPERS. I PUT THEM ON WHEN I GET HOME. IT IS COMFORTING. THEY ARE GIGANTIC BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER. MAYBE  SUBCONSCIOUSLY I AM TAKING MYSELF BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD?

ANYWAYS, I MISS MY FATHER.